video via vecteezy.com
What’s Happening
Today is a big day, not only because it is the 100th Friday High Five but because it is also the 10th anniversary of the Maggie Overby Studios blog! It has been a long road getting here. Three houses, two countries, and a whole lot of makeovers have happened in those ten years. There have been moments of chaos and silence, but even after a break, I always enjoy coming back to share what is happening. Today is a celebration but I also want to share it with a dose of reality. Ten years is a long time and I thought I’d share some of my recent reflections.
I have not updated you here for a while because this summer has been super busy. I have been struggling to keep up, so rather than get overwhelmed doing too much I decided to focus on myself and my family. Both of my kids made big moves this summer. My daughter returned from her year in Germany and was home for a bit before moving to Miami for her new job. Two weeks following my son moved off to college so we are now empty nesters. Big Change!
Having everyone settled does give me a little breathing room but I will be honest that is not the complete reason for my absence. I have been struggling lately with my mental health which is not something I have often struggled with in the past, at least not to this extent. I have had a few bouts of lows during particularly trying times but those have usually passed on their own or with life changes. This one stuck!
I have had mornings where I wake up feeling anxious and angry and I just can’t shake the feeling. I have had days that I am struggling to hold back tears for no particular reason. I have had days where I burst into tears leaving the grocery store because they had the wrong kind of grapes. I have had a brain fog where I can’t retrieve words or forget things I would normally be on top of. I feel like I make more mistakes or maybe the mistakes are the same but they send me over the edge. My husband told me on our beautiful trip to Portugal I was angry all the time. And most days I come home from work and just want to take a two-hour nap.
In the past year I have had blood work done at every doctor I can think of. I have started to see a therapist. I have read every book suggested by anyone who has been through this. I have made exercise a priority and mostly try to eat clean. I started taking a (SSRI) antidepressant, but I still feel wrong.
Next month I turn 49 and in all this drama and doctoring there has been very little talk of menopause, which from my research I know could be the cause of all of these symptoms. Even my gynecologist who put me on the antidepressant when I broke down in her office, said no you are not there yet. This was decided by a blood test on my hormone levels which I have read is highly inaccurate.
For the last year, I have also been suffering from a pinched nerve in my neck which I have been treating with spinal epidural injection every few months. The first round was very effective but each round following has been less so. The steroid can also cause a few of the same side effects as I am experiencing but I think the biggest side effect is the pain which interrupts my sleep and makes me cranky.
It’s like I have been in the perfect storm of stress, anxiety, and depression. So what does one do? I don’t know the magic recipe but here’s what I’m doing.
Seeing a therapist was my first step, which I think just about everyone could benefit from. It doesn’t fix you overnight but it does force some reflection on things you might normally avoid. Exercising regularly, even if it was just a walk around the neighborhood. I read a lot. The Menopause Manifesto, which should be required reading for every woman over 40, was particularly insightful. This book gave me so much knowledge that I felt my doctor wasn’t giving me. I’m going to see a surgeon about my neck, if the pain can be relieved it is worth a try. Most important I am learning to be still.
When my doctor prescribed the antidepressant I wasn’t sure but I felt such a mess I was willing to try anything. At first, it just made me feel blah, not bad not good but also not hysterical. That part was good. As my body got accustomed to it, I realized I could sit still. I began to understand the go, go, go that is normally my way of life was sometimes a way to avoid feelings. I’ve always called my projects my therapy but maybe it’s the opposite of that. Was it a way to avoid doing the hard work of feeling the hard stuff? It made sense, when I felt low my husband would often say “You need a project.” When I complete a project I often felt kind of sad, like I was losing a friend. The antidepressant helped me slow down which really scared me.
If I am not the doer what am I? That was the fear, Who am I if I am not this? Well, right now I don’t know. That is not to say I am not still creating and working on projects but I am learning that it’s okay to take a break. I am trying to listen to my body. If I want to work on something, good! If I want to sit on the sofa and watch Netflix that’s okay too. Sometimes I want to take a two-hour nap, I do it! I also think about what I want. Between now and dead, which isn’t as long as it used to be, what is important? What do I want? I guess it calms my brain enough to help me think.
I don’t have the answers yet but I’m trying and that feels better. I wish I could tell you I found the secret sauce but I guess there is no quick fix but things are improving. Most days are better but life is never perfect. I’m starting a blogging class next week which I am hoping reinvigorate me. I have quite a few completed projects that I still need to share here and plenty more to come.
Here’s to ten imperfect years, and hopefully many more to come!
Now on a higher note let’s get to my High Five…
Friday High Five
In honor of The 10th anniversary of the blog, I’m doing something a little different. My high five this week will be all about the blog so I’m sharing the top 5 posts of all time. If you have been here a while you may have read a few of these if you are new you may want to check them all out. Either way, I’m glad you’re here.
Have a great weekend guys!
I love everything you do, and I’m one of your biggest admirers of your life. As life changes for you I see that you’ve just not stopped wondering why and curious about things, but you’re actually looking for the cause. Keep continuing to be you with the changes in your life always remember to put God first, family, friends and work.
Thanks for the support. You are a dear friend Sam, I’m so glad life put you in my path!
Thank you for sharing Maggie. I love watching your projects come to life, you are so talented. I have been walking a similar mental, physical and emotional path. I have no answers or relief (yet) for my symptoms and struggles but am encouraged by your journey if for no other reason than to know (selfishly) that I am not alone or crazy. I will be in prayer for you and me and will look forward to your next project, whenever that may be. All blessings on this chapter.
Thanks Michelle, I think the biggest part of sharing this journey is knowing and having others know we are not alone. From the responses I gotten we are very much NOT alone. I guess the frustration is if so many woman are going through this in midlife why is there not more support? I am still searching and will let you know if I find the answers. All blessing to you too!
Many of us have been in your shoes and have come out the other side the better for it. A good therapist is a great place to start, and you have ruled out physical illness. Also smart. I was a little younger than you when it hit me, but still it was a journey that took several years. That is not meant to be discouraging, just realistic. I am rooting for you!
Thanks Ellen, I know this too shall pass. I have struggle probably the last year and know from talking to others I am not alone. In a way that helps. Glad you’ve made it to the other end of the tunnel. Hope to be there someday soon.
Wow you’ve been going through so much. I know it must have been hard to be transparent here on the blog. I remember struggling when I was around that age too, tough years. I’m now 70. a counselor told me that’s the time in life when many women start to process a lot of the hits from earlier years. It’s like there is time or maturing or changes that make it possible. Glad to see your blog in my inbox. May God bless and keep you on the dark days.
Thank you for your kind words Pamela. It’s a journey and I’m slowly making my way through. Hope to be in you inbox more soon.